I wish life wasn’t so unpredictable, I know some people think this is what makes life exciting and I agree with them to some extent, but as much as I like excitement, I like being sane so much better. Why do I think life can drive people crazy? Well, it’s simply because life is basically bipolar. During manic episodes, life is so energetic and vibrant, it showers you with all sorts of goodies. When life is good to you, it’s REALLY good to you. But just as quickly and even without provocation it is guaranteed to turn against you and suddenly you find yourself in one of it’s depressive episode. Everything is perfectly WRONG, various problems and difficult situations arise and you are left to wonder how in the world did you get yourself in such a mess when just recently everything was going so well.
I have to be honest life sometimes reminds me of a petty child who dangle a favorite toy in front of you let’s you touch it, play with it for a little while and just when you reach the pinnacle of your enjoyment, it takes it away from you and refuses to let you have it. You are left wondering how in one moment can happiness turn into despair so suddenly.
*sigh*
I’m so sleepy, and I cannot think straight anymore. Goodnight~
For some reason, I am assaulted with memories of you, recently. The longing is so sharp and painful, I can’t help but cry. There are a lot of things I want to tell you, especially about what’s been happening to me lately. I want to go back to being a child and run to you crying because something or someone hurt me, knowing you would protect and comfort me, regardless of whether or not I deserved to get hurt. I want to be as unreasonable as a child in pain, I want to think only about my hurts and not think about the people who hurt me and how I caused them pain, too. But I can no longer do that, you are no longer here and I am no longer a child.
Still, that knowledge doesn’t keep me from missing you or wishing you were here. I miss you, Pa. I love you! >:D<
I feel so grateful to everyone, I can’t sleep without doing this. I need to express it, it might sound like I’m just randomly rambling so I apologize if this doesn’t seem as coherent as others, I just want to be able to look back on this day to remind me to be receptive to God’s grace and to be grateful during the darkest moments of my life.
Two weeks ago, after 2 months of being completely free of depression and suicidal thoughts, I was assaulted and overwhelmed with such deep and empty sorrow, I could not even cry. Like all the other times I’ve been severely depressed, I withdrew from friends, family and the world, in general. I stopped looking at my cellphone because I didn’t want to even text people or answer calls. I locked myself in my room for almost a week. While in my room, I seriously considered suicide, decided to do it, researched about it and planned how I was going to go about it. I prepared everything I needed and decided that I was going to do it late in the evening, that way no one would check up on me or disturb the execution of my plan. However, things didn’t go the way I planned because as I was writing my farewell letter, for some unknown reason, I dozed off, dreamt about my deceased father and by the time I woke up, it was already morning and our house-help was already knocking on my bedroom door telling me that it’s breakfast time. And, somehow although I can’t vividly remember what happened in my dream, I felt happy and comforted, and my decision to end my life waned. Then, I decided to look at my phone, there were a lot of missed calls and messages from friends and family alike, I decided to respond to them. And I found out there were a lot of people looking for me and wondering how I was.
Michelle, a good friend of mine, who knew my deepest, darkest secrets decisively took me to a psychiatrist and paid for everything because she knew I was broke. I was also able to talk to Hime about what I was going through, she’s one of the few who understands my melancholia and who doesn’t think I’m over-acting. Afterwards, I started being receptive to other people as well. That same night, my cousin, ate Darling, and I had a date; I was able to share with her what I was going through and as always, she was able to soothe me. Then, the next day, ate Misaki, invited me to have a bible study with her friend. I met good people there, and I found out that this bible study group belonged to the church which had a newly-launched service for yuppies, and which my friend, Chad, persistently invited me to attend ( but I declined his invitation because I was depressed). I also got to spend quality time with Pink, who kept me company, Sunday afternoon that week.
Anyways, I was invited to a retreat, organized by the bible study group I joined with ate Misaki which I was sincerely interested in. However, I had reservations about the retreat because I knew I’d have to sleep with others in a room, I was worried my loud snoring will disturb their sleep and if I do decide to attend I might not be able to sleep and participate properly because I’ll spend my time worrying about disturbing other people’s sleep. And also because I had no money to pay for the retreat. I was really torn about it because I wanted to go but I had no means of getting the money for registration fee. I was really thinking I wouldn’t be able to go but I was also hoping a miracle would happen because I felt so strongly about going to this retreat. Then, I got a text message informing me that they were able to get me my own room so I wouldn’t have to share with anyone during the retreat and that there was going to be a pre-retreat meeting today at a cafe here in cdo. I literally panicked because I still had no money for registration, I didn’t even have money to be able to commute to the cafe today. But to make the long story short, Michelle, offerred to have her driver fetch me to and fro the meeting, this took care of my problem about being able to attend the pre-retreat meeting. So, I decided to go to the meeting because for some reason, and maybe because I really wanted to go to the retreat, I was hopeful I could get money before retreat time, even though it didn’t seem like I was going to be able to get it. And surprisingly, during the meeting the Pastor informed me, without him knowing about my money problem, that I definitely have to attend their retreat and that if money will be my reason for not attending then, I was not to make it an obstacle and just attend. And that’s when I spilled the beans about my circumstances.
I cannot explain how amazed I am at how things resolved itself so I could attend this retreat and how much I’ve learnt from this experience. I learned that to be able to receive blessings you need to be open to God’s grace. I know that sounds mushy but really if today I decided not to go to the preretreat meeting because I had no fare and no money for registration, all these things would not have happened. If I had allowed myself to be swallowed whole by my depression and simply distanced myself from others, I would have never met this new group. If, as I usually do, I did not respond to my friends and shared my despair, I would have never found out that I actually had a lot of good and true friends in my life. And if, I did not swallow my pride and asked for help, I would have never been saved.I realized that when I am extremely sad, instead of locking myself in my room, I should be with friends who can simply sit beside me or listen to me or talk to me during these times. I know this sounds really weak but after all this, I realize that I cannot do it alone, I am weak and I need God and other people’s support to get through this. I do not wish to burden anybody so I hope and pray that I can be stronger soon, strong enough at least so that I won’t have to burden anybody with my problems or need a lot of assistance from others.
Now that I am broke, unemployed and thoroughly depressed, I realize how the Lord has always been there for me, especially through the people around me. Did my problems disappear? NO, not at all, they are more real now than ever. Do I feel burdened and sad about it? YES, I still worry about them and honestly, I still feel angry and hurt about it. But, do I feel hopeless? NO, for some reason, I am now able to believe that these things can be surmounted, it may not be an easy win but I am hopeful that with God’s grace and the great people in my life, I can overcome it.
I do not think this is the last I’ll ever see of depression because I know I’ll encounter more problems. I am also uncertain if I can sustain my present condition but while I am slowly getting better, I also want to strengthen my personal relationship with God, so that during difficult times, I can keep myself from falling into despair again.
Finally, I want to thank the following people for sincerely and truly being there for me during my recent struggles: Ate Misaki, Ate Darling, Michelle, Tina, Hime, Pink, Vampy and Chad.I sincerely thank God that you guys are part of my life. ^____________^
If I am incapable of being indifferent to you, then at least let me hate you because that is the only way I know how to stop caring about everything you do and say. I am trying very hard not to love you anymore, trying so hard to look at you without any trace of the girl who once liked, and eventually came to love you. Most days, I can look at you without feeling anything close to pain, most days I can forget that I loved you even if you are near me. Most days I can laugh and smile and treat you like a friend, as I should. Most days I pile up each and every detail that reminds me you are not mine and that you are only a friend. I gather these things and store them in my memory to replace the ones which reminds me of how crazy I was about you. I fill up my memories of you as my friend to replace the ones of you whom I loved. And most days, I do it so well.
But sometimes when I am all alone I am reminded of you and how I felt, those times it feels as though a dam was opened and my feelings overwhelm me then my tears overflow and I turn into the girl who loved you once more. And I hate that, I hate that until now you still affect me and I hate how even memories of you can do that to me but I still can’t hate you.
So, go ahead and hurt me. Say all the cruel and mean things you know so well. Do the worst that you can, so I can hate you until I can no longer feel anything for you. Until all the pain will wash away everything I felt, until I realize that you were nothing but an illusion that turned into an obsession, go ahead and do your worst!
I’m trying not to post angry and bleak messages here. I mean, besides the one I imported from my previous blog accounts, but since this is my journal and my day began with an argument with my brother which left me reeling in pain until now, I succumb. If only to release this negative energy and get it out there and away from my me. So, while we were eating break fast my mom began her sermon at the dining table and targeted my brother. We found out last night that among his 3 subjects(he only has a few because he failed all his subjects last sem due to absences), he has been consistently absent in one. His teacher approached my sister, who’s in the same college ,about my brother’s attendance in his class, or lack thereof. My brother later explained that because he was absent a few times in that class ( for reasons unknown to us) when he heard from a classmate that the teacher announced that he has dropped out my brother from his class he didn’t bother to ask his teacher about it. He just stopped coming to class completely. My mom was trying to be calm about confronting him, in fact, she didn’t even get mad at all and just told him to fix it. Unfortunately, she’s really not calm about it, I mean who would be. He wasted last sem’s tuition and now, she finds out that in spite of her forgiveness, the second chance she gave to him and the effort to let him take only what he can handle for now by scheduling his classes late in the morning or in the afternoons and letting him have only 3 subjects this sem; he still made the same mistake again. So, mom being really emotional but trying so hard to be calm about this whole fiasco ended up letting her mouth run-off and started a litany of his recent activities and misbehaviors. I think this thoroughly pissed my brother off but since he couldn’t very well get back at Mom because he was clearly in the wrong. He started to harp about other things and in the end, turned his anger on me. I think it’s because he thinks I ratted him out to Mom. He said something really simple but it hurt me deeply because it sounded like he thinks the house and his life was so much better off when I wasn’t here. What did I do in retaliation? Nothing. I held my tongue and tried to keep myself from crying as well as from saying or doing anything that will provoke him to be even more mean. I kept on trying to understand the situation, his situation because it was the only way for me to stop feeling so angry at him, at least enough to not push him off our stairs or poison him! LOL
I had to muster great control and discipline to stop myself from lunging at his throat. Kidding! But I did have to curb myself from exacerbating the situation because I realize it was petty. More and more, I come to realize that I need to pick my battles carefully. When we fight we release a lot of negative energy and stir up a lot of negative emotions inside, it can take its toll on us and can destroy relationships, sometimes irrevocably. So, I believe that when we choose to stir up the hornets nest, so to speak, or decide to stand up for something against someone then we better make sure it is worth it. Otherwise, we might end up destroying ourselves, others and our relationships.
Like in any war, nobody is really a winner in a fight. So, I better pick one worthwhile.
It’s been awhile. There’s a lot I want to say and I don’t know where to start. I think I’m just gonna free-write so I won’t really bother about grammar, spelling and organization of thoughts.
Presently, I am working as a content writer online, it’s a challenge not only because it can cause severe brain drain but also because internet problems I never had before cropped up, how timely! I think the world is conspiring against me, either that or I’m just unlucky. I’m also currently looking for a more stable job. I want a regular job with a schedule of 8am-5pm, Monday to Friday every week. To be honest, I’m not sure if I want a stable job so strongly because my mom wants me to have one, she thinks my online job right now isn’t actually work because it’s not stable and I don’t have security of tenure. I do know I do not want to teach right now, but I do not seem to be qualified for anything else.
Lately, I’m realizing more and more how much I like working home-based and having a flexible time, must be because I’m so random most of the time. I like being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it with people I want to be with and earning more than minimum wage. I wonder if that makes me some sort of hedonist, I hope not. The thing is I’m not sure if having a home-based job is good for my emotional and social growth, it’s already stunted enough as it is, I do not think isolating myself will help improve it much and there’s also the thing about finding a lifetime partner, which my mom is perennially worried about.
On that note, yesterday was THE day for all couples and I spent it at home with stomach problems. Seriously, why do I always have stomach upsets, it’s painful and annoying …I wonder if it was really indigestion or an allergic reaction to valentines day? hahaha i’m so bitter
I think I just added to my already long list of FTID’s(Fool Things I’ve Done). I did something totally out of line, at that time, I think I made somebody mad because I was being a busybody, I was too honest and might have given out unsolicited advice. It’s not that I think I know best, I don’t really. But I really think if you insist on continuing to use a particular language to communicate you better make sure that you’re coherent, and I don’t mean having perfect grammar and pronunciation; and I don’t mean you become coherent in an instant because it is a gradual process. I mean you can be coherent like kids are most of the time. Kids do not speak fluently but we can understand what they say. They do not need a lot of words to say what they mean, they just use the phrases or words they need to make sense. Well, I think nobody’s perfect and that there’s always room for improvement, so I definitely think that person can still improve but I’m not sure that person knows there is a need to improve and that people think the awkward and clumsy way that person communicates is hilarious not because it’s grammatically wrong but because some words are inappropriately used and that person seems to have a knack for phrasing sentences in such a way that the meaning is almost totally lost and the sentences become completely mind-boggling. I don’t think that person is bad, but I did do it for selfish reasons. I have to be honest I am one of those people who can’t help but laugh at what that person says and it’s not because of grammar, it’s because the meaning produced by his/her statements is totally hilarious. I actual feel guilty about that but I do not think those who laugh at him/her should be condemned for laughing, how can you not laugh if a statement is funny and it wasn’t even trying to be. I feel bad because I do not think that person is bad or stupid but he’s/she’s making himself/herself look foolish to the point of hilarity. Oh, well. What’s inappropriate is inappropriate, I really should have never said anything, it wasn’t my place to do so.
Recently, my sister Em-em got seriously sick she had to be IV’ed. She’s the same sister who got dengue twice, she’s rarely sick but when she does get sick, she’s REALLY sick. She’s usually the one who’s always off to the land of the sick, surrounded by a group of grumpies in white. Luckily, we have a resident grumpy, er I mean, nurse. My other sister Michelle took care of her compelled by concern and mom’s nagging. So, yes, we were able to skip the expensive medical bills and converted our living room into Em-em’s hospital room.
Well, anyways, since I’m the eldest and the resident bum *ouch* who had a lot of free~ time, I sort of expected I’d be the one taking care of her while Michelle’s at work and I was all set to be useful to this family by being her personal nurse/maid. Finally, it’s my turn to shine, gone are the days my mom will nag me about being a lazy bum. I will now become an active part of this family, instead of a freeloader who spends her day eating and surfing the net, right?
WRONG.
Jerry, my sister’s boyfriend came over and took over what was supposed to be my job! He did everything. He prepared the food and spoonfed her. Then, he noted the schedule for her meds and gave it to her. He helped her go to the bathroom when she needed to, awkwardly holding the dextrose outside a slightly open bathroom door( and no, he didn’t peek, I was carefully observing him hahahaha :p ). He put up with her tantrums and grouchiness. He listened to her demands and kept her company. Seeing all that, I couldn’t help but say something morbid, like, “You guys remind me of the couple from the movie ‘A Walk To Remember’.” and he curiously replied, “Huh?! A walk to what?” I hate to say this but my jaw-dropped and I asked him in surprise, “Under which rock have you been living in, how come you don’t know that movie?!” Then, I downloaded the movie and made him watch it. I mean, I can’t just stand and do nothing while somebody from our generation missed a movie which greatly affected the romantic films of our time. It is my sole duty as the sister-in-law-to-be to help the poor guy. KIDDING!
I just wanted to see him cry because my sister claims he’s a crybaby *insert evil laugh here*. Needless to say, I watched the movie with them and heard him sniffle a bit but I didn’t look. Despite my cruel intentions, I didn’t want to embarrass him and for some reason, it doesn’t feel right to see a boy cry. It feels like I’m encroaching his privacy. I think only his family or his girlfriend/wife should ever see a man cry. I know that sounds strange,but that’s just how I feel about it.
I guess, the movie and the <3 atmosphere in our living/hospital room got to me and I entertained horrid thoughts about love again. I seriously don’t like reflecting about romantic relationships and stuff because I’m 24 years old and my status is still NBSB. It makes me feel pathetic not because it might mean I’m not attractive and that among the millions of people in this world not one has wanted to be with me (although this could very well be the reason, who knows? ). I feel uncomfortable about thoughts like that because it makes me wonder if I am capable of being in love with somebody and being in a relationship with someone. So, I try not to think about it and usually it doesn’t bother me that I’m single. The only time I am acutely aware that I don’t have a partner is when I’m the only one without a pair in a barkada gathering and during valentines day. And even during those times, I’m still okay because my family and friends don’t make me feel lonely or out of place. However, after seeing that movie and how Jerry patiently took care of my sister, I felt like I wanted a boyfriend, too. I don’t like that thought because it makes me feel weak but at that moment I honestly wanted one. Sounds silly, I know!hahaha
Seriously though I think my family and friends are enough. This sounds pathetic but I vicariously experience romance through my sisters and friends, and so, I don’t miss it because I’ve never had it and I’m contented with the mushy feelings I get from other people’s experiences. I also get to skip the heartaches nyahaha! XD
Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not saying I don’t want a boyfriend or that I won’t ever be in love with someone, I’m just scared I might not be built for it.I mean even if I don’t get married or have a family in the end, it somehow feels like I haven’t lived at all if I’ve never been in love. Living life having never been in love, won’t that be a shame? ^_^
That said, lemme leave you with this lonely and (I’d like to believe) hopeful song about that special “somebody” for us. (^_^)
This is probably my nth blog account. I’ve been going around making blog accounts which I don’t really update. I only ever posted at least twice in them and then I stopped. It’s a cycle that closely reflects the number of times I tried to renew my life and failed in the attempt. It sounds pathetic, I know.
It does make me wonder why I always make a blog account for each defining moment in my life. I think I must really love writing because it’s a crucial element to my starting over, it is my way of expressing those defining moments. Given that, writing and my defining moments should have turned my existence over and irrevocably changed it. But, apparently, those moments didn’t work so well because I’m still here.
Stuck and Confused.
I’m still here wondering where I can get the courage to move forward and take risks. I’m still here wondering how to get to where I want to go. I’m still here wondering whether I’ll ever find a career I can commit to wholeheartedly. I’m still here wondering if I’ll ever be in love because I have never been really in love nor have I ever been in a romantic relationship. I’m still here wondering will I ever TRULY live, instead of just breathing.
A lot of things have happened since I last posted but probably the most life-altering event that happened to my life is my transfer here in cebu and living away from home and my beloved, Sascha. He came to me last June 11, 2010.
I'm a self-confessed nerd, anime-enthusiast, manga-addict, and bookworm. The craziest thing I've ever done was go in the boy's cr -insert sarcasm here-.I pretty much lived my life vicariously, preferring to stay in the side lines and observe.While that wasn't a bad thing, I'm hoping to get some action this year! :p
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…I wonder if it was really indigestion or an allergic reaction to valentines day? hahaha i’m so bitter 
^Your take on Yume’s world^